We try to go camping every year for my husbands birthday, it’s great to just get out into nature and take in the beauty. My favorite parts are drinking beer around the fire, drinking beer while eating s’mores, drinking beer while relaxing and well, drinking beer. Did […]
Old, over the hill, well versed, matured, seasoned, these are all words I won’t mind being called. Broken, aged, geriatric, impaired and fossil. Don’t even dare. I will use that tennis ball covered walker to knock you over the head. Ha, any other parents catch […]
I have the esteemed honor of having the amazingly talented Sara guest post on my blog today. She’s still very new to the world of blogging so we decided to sink or swim together. Sara is the writer at Happy and Humble. She is a wife, busy mother of 3 and amateur chef stumbling through organized chaos on a daily basis using sarcasm and humor to soften the blow…that’s what she said. She will take any opportunity to demonstrate the running man in public and enjoys being a sarcastic smart ass.
I am an only child. Because of this reason and this reason only I knew that when I had children one day I would have more than one.
You see, contrary to popular belief, as an only child I was not showered with attention gifts and praise. My parents did the best they could I guess, but we lived paycheck to paycheck and my mom and dad had an incredibly tumultuous relationship. Alcohol abuse, pill popping, domestic violence…good times. I always wished that I had someone to share my emotions with or to crawl under my bed with and agree that mom and dad were being assholes. I would even go so far as to cut out adoption ads and strategically place them around the house…no dice. Many times they were so wrapped up in their marital debacles that I felt like I was invisible.
Sob story. Poor me, yada yada, “here’s a quarter,” I get it.
Fast forward to meeting the hubbs, aka, my bestie. We wanted babies! I mean, we had a marriage built on love, trust, and support. We were whole heartedly ready to overcompensate for the encouragement and attention we felt was lacking in our own childhoods. Let’s have babies! Matter of fact, let’s have three! What. The. Fuck. Were. We. Thinking? Babies are amazing. Yes, they puke and poop and cry. But, they don’t have the mental capacity to be disrespectful or mischievous…yet. They are not able to ladle out toilet water with your grandmother’s gravy spoon and because I know you are curious, there was urine present and it was quite fragrant. After all, if its yellow let it mellow…and so on.
They are not yet able to key your car with a sharp jagged rock weapon supplied by the local park or pull a genuine “Baby Ruth” scene at 4 years old in the middle of a 50 guest pool party. Just so there is no confusion, it wasn’t a Baby Ruth, It was a full on fresh brown turd. That was a fun day.
Just because your first baby is on the money with perfection does not mean the others will follow suit. Do not buy into that sorcery. #1 was perfect…oh if every baby could be like that. #2 an adorable whiny little shit. #3 Geezus It depended on the day, but he loves his mommy and he is my last baby… so I didn’t care. At the present time my youngsters are 10, 8, and 4. No, We do not want more. Stop asking! They all have completely diverse personalities, interests, and requirements. They absolutely and unequivocally have us by the balls. Let’s not forget the fun little idiosyncrasies that children have because well, nobody is perfect. That would just be boring right? In our world it’s eczema, allergies, and severe constipation. It’s just life. My friends who have no children or only have 1 little angel tell me “I don’t know how you do it.” The truth is, you just do, and they would too. I’ve heard people say “patience is key,” well whoever they are, they’ve never met me because I have none and I’m still in the game.
An average twenty-four hour period is as follows: play, fight, cry, repeat and then I end it with whiskey. The 10 year old is all like, “I like played wall ball today and like, I got 100 percent on my math test, and like mom, you like say rhetorical questions a lot and I know that because I’m like pretty good at language arts.” My 8 year old is “I wanna play soccer, I’m a super spy ninja, and don’t forget mom, I broke both of my arms.” The 4 year old is “mom, mommy, mom, I broke this, mom, I destroyed your clean house in a matter of seconds, look at me, momma, mom, I love you.”
Depending on the day(s), we are in a multitasking cluster fuck of school, soccer, piano, ukulele, Girl Scouts, PTA, and…blogging. Not to mention the regular “must do these things to keep them alive” shit. I am a strict parent. Some may say too strict but I never asked their opinion and I really don’t give a fuck. I pride myself on structure. I have to, I have 3 kids! I’ll fart and burp… and then giggle about it. I’ll frolic around the house like a deranged ostrich or a friendly velociraptor just before playing a riveting game of Clue or Jenga, but at the end of the day, I’m your mother and you better fucking listen to me or it’s gonna get ugly.
They say the older you are without kids the more selfish you get…or maybe that was a Gwen Stefani quote before she met Gavin Rossdale. Either way, I feel that there is some truth to that. I started at 23 and had very little time to be selfish. We refrained from practicing the prestigious pull and pray method on our honeymoon and the rest is history. Envisioning a life without them is torture. This torture of course does not apply when I have a weekend getaway planned with the hubbs (including, but not limited to make up sex and sleep) or me anticipating my trifecta getting shipped off to grandmas house for the day. In those instances I am perfectly ok navigating life solo. I am usually counting down the days to freedom at that point. After all, I’m only human and I know when I need a fiesta…and a siesta. Yes, they have occasional asshole spells and their oblivious brilliance at demonstrating their cock blocking skills continues to impress me on a daily basis, but there is never a dull moment. These 3 little people put the color into my world and give my life purpose and inspiration. At the same time they help me realize that I need my own time because I’m worth it! I gave birth to 3 fucking amazing humans. That makes us as moms automatically amazing right?
As I am searching for onions, I start hearing this screeching noise, followed closely by a loud, “Gah, what ever! You know I don’t eat the plain kind!” Geeze, apparently she doesn’t eat the plain kind of something. I’m getting distracted by the yelling and start looking around me thinking they’re standing next to me, they were that loud. I moezy off to get the dairy. This little girl, who couldn’t have been older than 8 was doing the splits in the middle of the aisle. We lock eyes and she stands up. She then proceeds to use the refrigerated case as a brace to lift her leg over her head. I walk around her trying to ignore her. Then she stops in front of my cart and does the splits again. Where is this child’s mother? This is highly inappropriate behavior, especially for a grocery store. She wasn’t acting like a cheerleader, she was acting like someone in a Nicki Minaj video. Her mother is screaming at the eldest who was probably 14, dressed like a character again, from a Nicki Minaj video and the youngest, maybe 6, dressed appropriately.
Now I understand people can raise their children how ever they see fit. And some people can’t afford things others can. But when you let your daughters dress like street walkers that young with Mimi makeup, you’re probably going to have some trouble with them. It all got me thinking, there are a lot of different types of people you see when you go run errands. I’ve compiled a list for your enjoyment.
- The Parent Screaming At Their Kid(S): We’ve all seen this and most of us have been the parent. Yea, I’ve yelled at my kid when she’s trying to take off running or ripping clothes off the shelves.
- The Creepy Person who looks like they just walked out of “The Hills Have Eyes” movie. Yea, they’ve got that murderous glimmer in their eye. They look right into your soul.
- Speaking of looking into souls, The Judgmental Stranger. I will never forget that lady, I was at the mall and very pregnant. I couldn’t get any jewelry on even due to my increasing plumpness. I was rocking some yoga pants, a t-shirt that made me look like Pooh Bear and Uggs slippers. She looked at me like, what a slob she is. I thought I may catch on fire from her glare.
- The “Too Close” people. Yea, we’ve all been rammed in the back in the grocery store line by their carts. They have to get as close to you as possible and don’t care. Doesn’t matter what you’re in line for, they’re breathing down your neck. Next time, ask them if your pheromones are attracting them to you. It will get them to back off quickly. Or just start hacking up a lung.
- The Phone Obsessor. Ever had a random person walk into you? Some NON teenage woman had her face pressed against the screen of her phone. She ran into me so hard I lost my balance. Then she felt the need to get mad at me because she wasn’t paying attention.
- The Screamer. This one isn’t as appealing as it may sound. Everything they say sounds like they’re trying to scream over a crowd at an *NSYNC concert (showing my age).
- The Smiler. Are they smiling at you because they’re happy that they just won a million dollars or did they just crop dust everyone around them?
Who else can you add to the list? Let me know!
If you haven’t figured it out from the title of my blog, I have an all liver bloodhound. Her name is Tara, after Tara Knowles on Sons of Anarchy. She’s my other baby. She’s my best cuddler. Also, my most disgusting family member. It used to be Audrey but now that she’s not a blowout baby she’s moved back to spot #1. We got Tara when she was just 8 weeks and 1 day old. Jake had to drive 23 hours there and back to get her. Oh she is so worth it. When I saw that floppy eared puppy come in my house, I freaked. I was so excited to have my own dog. I’d been wanting one for a very long time. Her giant paws and squishy face just made me melt.
Now that Audrey is in our lives, her and Tara have become best friends. They chase each other around the house, share kisses (gross) and sneak food when they think mom isn’t looking. Tara has some unknown food allergies (as in piggy likes to eat yet we can’t figure out what she was eating that made her hair fall out) and we had to switch her food multiple times to find something that wasn’t creating dog patterned baldness. I hated giving her the dog treats from the store because so many of them have saw dust in them. When we were training her for Search & Rescue, we made our own mix of treats with string cheese and dog summer sausage chopped up. Since today’s prompt was recipes I decided to try and make some treats for the hound.
What you need is:
1 cup creamy peanut butter
2+ cups of flour (I say + because you need to add more until you get what looks like a glob of fruit leather.)
Once it’s mixed up, flour your surface and roll out the dough about a 1/4″ thick. They won’t rise or expand unless there’s a bubble pocket. Extra flour will help you here,
not hurt you. Once it’s rolled out, cut up the shapes you’d like. Tara LOATHES the mail man (anyone she doesn’t know actually) so I used the little man and made her mail men cookies.
The round ones are pathetic paw prints. For those I just used my fingers and thumbs for the prints. Heat your oven to 350°. If you want them to have a nice crunch leave in for about an hour. I like to line my sheets with parchment paper, lazy lady likes easy clean up.
Pretty fancy for a dog who likes to eat garbage when no one is home. After they have cooled down, let your little taste tester enjoy.
Jake and I were calling for Tara to come get a cookie. She was asleep and refused to get up. After 5 minutes of telling her that I have a cookie, I raised my hand and showed her. Beast came galloping with a skid right into me.
She ate it right up and then bagged for more. Let’s just say, I am pretty proud!