Month: April 2015

Black Gold: DIY Compost

Black Gold: DIY Compost

Ah, Spring. Birds are chirping, flowers blooming and the sun is shining. Time to enjoy the fresh air and some delicious iced drinks on the patio. But one of my favorite things to do is grow my garden. There is nothing more delicious than food […]

10 Years to Life

10 Years to Life

“I wanted to know if you’d go to my prom with me?” That sentence was the one that would change my life; I of course said yes and we had the best time. Never did either of us think we’d still be in love 10 […]

What We NEED To Raise A Toddler

What We NEED To Raise A Toddler

Anyone who has been around small children can tell you what a handful they can be at times. The whining for something they see at the store to suddenly having soft bones when you’re trying to get them to walk. And when they’re 2, well they really are as bad as they say. Terrible Two’s doesn’t even describe it. I completely understand though because I feel the same way. I’m trying to explain myself and no one in listening to me or understands either. You have so many things you want to do but you can’t! It’s insane how much we’re going through the exact thing our child is dealing with yet we fail to realize it. My daughter started in on her terrible 2’s around 20 months old. Now that she’s been 2 for about a month, I realized I deserve an award for surviving this long.

TWO YEAR OLD ON BOARD

When your child turns 2, you should be given a gift basket. It will contain a sign for your car saying “TWO YEAR OLD ON BOARD” so no one parks near you. You’d also get a sash saying “Mom of Tiny Monster” so Starbucks barista will fawn over you with espresso. There would be a paid year for a Costco membership and unlimited free wine from there for that year because duh. And you’d be enrolled in a weekly subscription program that sends you different sippy cups, silverware and plates with a variety of snacks because they hate today what they loved yesterday.

You know all of those auto ship clothing services? Well they would send you outfits that don’t match and are completely ridiculous just so you could grab an outfit and make said child be happy. You could even sign up for the 2 left shoes subscription if you were sleep deprived enough. Once a week you would have a chef come in and whip up a weeks worth of waffles, pancakes and pb & j’s just so you could have a bite of something to eat even if it is stale.

What We NEED To Raise A Toddler
I wish my waffles turned out this pretty.

 

Naturally you’d be given a large lock box that contained your favorite chocolates and Ambien (for the nights they’re at Gramma’s house) that you’d NEVER have to share because it would say broccoli all over the outside. Kate Hudson would come to your house to personally style you in her new work out line because really, we know you’re just going to wear yoga pants but never do yoga.

Ask me in a year what you get when your child turns 3 and Good luck. May the force be with you and what ever witty quotes you can think of because obviously I’m too tired to do that.

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My Postpartum Body is Sexy

My Postpartum Body is Sexy

The other day I was running around the grocery store. Zipping in and out of aisles and enjoying my few minutes of being kid free. I strolled down the toiletries aisle and saw a young mom to be and her husband. Naturally I admired her […]

When I Was 14

When I Was 14

Oh to be 14 again. Man, and have that 6 pack again. Now my 6 pack looks like a pony keg. I have some great memories from that age. I was just starting high school and thought I was so cool. My best friend Kelsey […]

If I had Kanye’s Money

If I had Kanye’s Money

Money is the root to all evil. Obviously, look at what it has produced, Kimye, Kanye alone, Kim alone, the millions of Kardashians that keep coming out of the wood work. Can someone explain to me how you become famous for being famous? I may need to try it out but not “leak” a sex tape. If it makes me richer than the Prince of Monte Carlo, I may do consider it.

But oh I can’t help but drool over the shiny things I see them wear. Couldn’t you see me dripping in ice? Frosted in diamonds? Shining brighter than the sun? Yea, I’d look good. Maybe a 10 pound pendant hanging from my neck would be worth a few visits to the chiropractor.

After seeing a picture of the KIMYE dressed in what I would consider rags (their outfits probably cost my mortgage for a year) I realized that they’re so rich they can dress like they live under a bridge and make the cover of Vogue. So it got me thinking, what would I do if I had Kanye’s money?

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1. I’d buy a lot of property and build our dream home on it.

2. I’d get some cows for pets. I LOVE cows! Oh and chickens.

3. I would buy EVERYTHING I love at Target and without remorse.

4. My closet would have the $40 yoga pants instead of the $12 pairs.

5. My driveway would have a sexy black Ram 1500 with a purring hemi.

6. Laser hair removal sessions all over my body so I’d never have to shave/pluck/wax again.

7. Pay for my church to have a/c and I’d pay the bill. I think that’s why the old ladies are drenched in perfume, hides the sweat smells.

8. All of my undergarments would be from VS not Walmart.

9. I’d get rid of the VHS tapes and have all blu-ray.

10. I’d have a beer fridge that would never be empty. (We have the fridge it just gets empty which is quite sad.)

11. Audrey would always have the biggest box of crayons.

12. NO ATVs. I don’t need to nearly kill myself again.

13. I’d have a walk in humidor. Full of Cubans of course. No one cares about illegal items when you’re that rich.

14. I’d start an animal sanctuary. I’d even let eye licking lizards come live there.

15. I’d hire a Starbucks barista to come over every morning to make my coffee.

16. We’d have a guard crocodile and a guard water buffalo. Who is going to mess with those?

17. Martha Stewart would be my new best friend. Sorry, Isabel. But I know you’d understand why, it’s a wanting to be a lazy mom thing.

18. We’d eat flat irons once a week. At least.

19. I’d have the Pope on speed dial and we’d Skype comfessions.

20. I’d build my mother-in-law a home with out nosey neighbors and a few slot machines in it.

And the big hoorah…

21. I’d have 2 more kids!!!

What would you do if you were stupid rich?

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10 Life Lessons for our Children

10 Life Lessons for our Children

The other day my toddler brought me her cereal bar asking me to open it. I told her I wouldn’t and that if she was hungry she could finish the food she left at the table with two bites missing. Instantly the pouty lip forms […]

Things That Deserve An Award

Things That Deserve An Award

  Every night before I crawl into bed, I put on my lip balm. It’s become a necessary habit. The other night, I noticed it was kind of painful to put it on. I unscrewed the tube thinking¬†I was rubbing the case on my face. […]


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