Pain, discomfort, bloating and the potty dance. Where is that sippy cup? Ooh tv! Yummy, snacks. Whee, ride the car. I can’t believe how much time and effort it costs me to just to use my bathroom alone. It’s expensive to pee alone. Oh but […]
Month: February 2015
Back when mommy had a life, your daddy and I would go dancing, drink dollar beers, stay up past 10 and have beer pong tournaments. Ahh, those were some good days! Then mommy had a few too many dollar beers one night and 4 weeks later, we find out you’re going to ruin my smokin’ hot body. Oh sweety, was your mom a hotty! Skinny, long legs, and your dad said my tush was a lot tighter, kinda like Nicki Minaj. Eh, bad reference to a 2 year old, got it, tight like your grip on that Twix you found and are running for your life with. Oh how I made the heads turn (snap) back then. All the boys would look my way when I walked by and your daddy was proud to have me on his arm. He beamed with pride like Doc McStuffins does when she fixes a booboo.
You know those red plastic cups you like to play with in the kitchen? Well we used to fill those with beer and throw little plastic balls in them. Then, we’d chug them and scream WHOO. High five and yelling was meant for winning the Beer Pong Championship not for going potty in the big girl potty.
The walls that are now covered in your artwork and photo’s used to have Boondock Saints and house rule posters on them. I wonder when you’ll ask, what’s a poster? That dining room table you eat your meals at and make me Play Doh sculptures on, yea, used to have have a pool table there and on Tuesday night, it was for poker. Loud, curse filled, money winning fun.
The deliciously healthy snack bars you just love so much, replaced the peanuts and chips we used to eat like they were no longer being made. There was less fruit juice in the fridge and a hell of a lot more beer. Mmmm, beer. Oh wait, we forgot about mom’s fermented fruit juice. Yea, you made that a necessity.
Before you, I never had to worry about stepping on a toy at a 2 am bathroom trip. Errands were a breeze, in and out. Ha, that’s what she said. We could go out to dinner when ever we wanted even if it was already 9 at night. Taco Bell butt burn at 2 am? Hell yes please! My closet was full of adorable clothes and I had the prettiest bra’s and panties. Our lives were amazing! Like the scene in the clouds from the Lego Movie, where everything is awesome! Everything is cool when you’re part of the team! Everything is awesome, when you’re living the dream! Remind mama to buy that movie with a digital copy. Man, too much time with a toddler, back on track.
Now that you’re here, I can’t believe I thought I would miss that life. It honestly never went away, it just had a change of scenery. More glitter on my carpet and less in my cleavage. I still get my beer but it’s just one after you’ve gone to bed. We both know I can’t handle more than that. The music you make with those red cups is my favorite song ever, sorry Taylor Swift but my kid outranks you on my billboard chart.
I still get checked out but now it’s by other mom’s or grandparents who are telling me how beautiful my daughter is. Those long legs are still there but my belly is covered in gorgeous stretch marks that show I fought for both of us to live.
When you get that shocked face and then yell because you used the big girl potty, I am more excited than I ever was from winning a beer pong game. While the playdoh may dry our hands out, I love that you make things with it, stop trying to eat it. Eating at the table with you and watching you attempt to stab food with your fork is great entertainment. I suck at poker anyways.
My digestive system needs that juice and I know my liver appreciates it. And it’s surprisingly good without vodka. While I may be grouchy, I love that you cry out for me if you’re startled in the middle of the night. Jean’s and a button down shirt are my fancy go to outfits now and I’m comfortable because I could be on Modern Family. Panties and bra’s are functional and now I don’t understand why I needed that 5 way multi-wear bra with the lace and jewels that cost $80. It’s still in my drawer. May need it if I ever go Kourtney Kardashian crazy and want more little terrors.
What I’m trying to tell you is that you ruined our lives… but you replaced it with the best lives we could ever have.
Kid’s keepsakes are great but the problem is what to do with them? Sadly you can’t hang up every drawing they make. But if you’ve read my blog before then you know my canvas art obsession.
Last year was Audrey’s first Valentine’s day and her daddy was excited to have a little girl to spoil for it. Well she wanted to make her daddy something special too. So we decided to make him a special picture we could hang up in the living room.
You’ll need some blank canvases, paint, foam rollers and acrylic spray sealant. I used her hand prints for the letter O and her feet to form a v. When people come over, they always comment on how cute it is.
Make sure you have your supplies set up and take your time. I had a helper but if you don’t then do a print and wash them. You’ll be glad you did. Get your foam roller coated in paint and laugh with your kid as they feel how awkward it is. Audrey still curls her toes under and grabs tight to the roller, makes a great mess.
Once you have the prints, fill in the letters. Spray with the seal and Voila! So simple yet adorable.
The next art project is going to take a few extra steps on your part. Same supplies but add a pencil and ruler. Measure 4 squares and then paint each a different color. I didn’t want the paint mixing to look like baby poo so I sprayed it with the acrylic spray after they were done. Then we painted one hand and stamped it, then her feet individually. It was amazing. We had to let her paint the drop paper after because she wasn’t done painting.
These are cheap and great gifts. They can be up year round. What do you plan to make?
If you dig through the average woman’s panty drawer, you’ll usually find the same things. The sexy panties, comfy panties, reliable panties, granny panties and that pair you just can’t throw away. A panty drawer ages just as we do. It has it’s own delicate […]
Oh right there. Yes, that’s the spot. Harder, really get in there with that elbow grease. Oh yes, I like that. Wow, that’s amazing. Those are the cleanest dishes! Remember when you’re relationship was new and exciting? You shaved your legs for sex, kept on […]
This is a fair warning, it will be verbally graphic and can be gross. So if you have a weak stomach, stop here. If you’re still reading this, go to the bathroom before you continue. I will not be responsible for you wetting your pants. I’ll wait…
Feel better? Cool. Let’s get down to business about what hell it is to have a kid. It is disgusting. Birth is made out to be this beautiful and romanticized event. I call bullshit. It is gross. Nothing is romantic about it. I obviously know. I had way more happen to me during labor than most. So obviously, I know what I am talking about.
Oh, contractions, real, fake? Gah, I am starving. When will my water break? Should we head to the hospital yet? What is that in my pants? I need to brush my teeth, barf! You stupid asshole! YOU DID THIS TO ME! Yea, you know that all ran through your head in just a few minutes plus more. They call it labor for a reason, pushing a kid out of a small hole is NOT an easy task.
I was on bed rest and had to be induced. Yea, that was weird. Ouch, here come the contractions. The kid was ramming her head into a nerve in my back, so I got a knuckle massage from Jake while I shook my ass at him. Yep, that’s what the nurse had us do. Isn’t that how we got in this situation? Finally, I got exhausted and starving, so I shoved my face full of Mexican food. Well, shaking my ass and bouncing on a ball isn’t getting this monster out. Time to get the drugs. Pitocin starts and oh fuck! Is that what a contraction is? This sucks! Now I am stuck in bed and bored. What do you mean I could have a stroke? You have to give me more medicine? Fine! Bring on the magnesium.
Contractions hurt. Don’t let anyone say they don’t. LIARS! They told me basically I had to have the epidural due to how bad my BP and the stress levels were. Oh yea, I needed it. I had a death fear of needles before this. I freaked when I saw the needle. Didn’t hurt to get it. Barely felt any pressure. They said I could take a nap with it. Sweet, probably be the last good sleep I have. I would start to fall asleep and then Jake and my nurse would flip me. Go away you assholes, I am trying to sleep. Every 30 minutes, Alyssa, flip. But they gave me the peanut ball. Oh I loved that thing!
Alyssa, you are still stuck at 4 cm, we’re going to break your water. Okay. WTF IS THAT!? My doctor has this giant crochet hook. Jake is standing next to me and the look on his face, wish I had a pic. It takes a lot to gross him out but he was mortified. It was hysterical. All I felt was like someone dumped a bucket of hot water in my lap. It was gross but worth the look on his face.
Labor keeps going and then the epidural wore off on the right and I felt like I was being stabbed in my stomach. It was so painful that it made me puke. I was begging Katie to get my doctor and give me a c-section. They give me more of those beautiful drugs. Suddenly, I love everyone again. Jake hops on Facebook to give everyone an update and posts that he’s watching John Wayne and wants to sneak away to the bar. Idiot, I still have my cell phone with me. What ever, I still love him at the moment.
Well, it’s the next day and I have finally been able to get an hour of sleep. They wake me up and say that I am going to “practice” pushing because I am fully dilated and ready to go. I start saying, “No, no, it’s ok. We can wait!” No hun, you gotta push. “Ok, let’s do this! “
They tell me, push your stomach. I scrunch my face like I am pooping. No, Alyssa, your stomach. Face scrunched again. I can’t feel my stomach. They tell me, push like you have to go to the bathroom. Oooooohhhhh. I got it. Okay. I start pushing and the doctor shows up. She is just chit chatting with me nonchalant. I keep telling everyone, “I’m so proud of myself, I’m having a baby!” “I’m so sorry my legs are so heavy you guys. They look like elephant legs with all the fluids.” “Babe, I love you.”
After an hour of pushing, Audrey is stuck. Little magic from the doc. Then, 30 more minutes of pushing and we’re parents. Oh my word, this slimy little thing is so beautiful, give her to me! I cried and cried. I was so happy. They hand her to Jake and he is just a beaming daddy.
Here is what we aren’t told, labor isn’t over just because the kid’s out. There is still stuff to do. But once it’s all done, you don’t even care how sweaty you look, or how flat your hair is. It doesn’t matter that your stomach looks like it did at 6 months. All that matters is you have a baby and the pushing is over.
Who cares if you don’t look perfect after! I was a mess after 27 hours of labor. I was starving, needed a shower and wanted to sleep. Hormones were insane and a cheeseburger seemed like the only cure. If you’re going to bring a child into this world, congratulations! Being a parent is so much harder than any labor you’ll experience but so worth every day.